In life you want nothing else other than to be
loved by someone and to be the most important person in their lives. Well… when
I was in my late 20’s, I thought I found that person. She was everything that
you would think: She was caring, nurturing, loving and she also knew when I
needed cheering and when I needed to be comforted. And I returned the same
sentiments. I was so happy, it was as if I was on cloud 9.
Our relationship was unique, one of a kind. I
say one of a kind because she was
straight. She didn’t fall for me
because I’m a woman; she fell for me because of the type of person I was to
her. Our relationship was new and so different and we were so happy together. Now
me being gay, thought that she had experienced being with a woman before, but she
expressed that she never thought about being with a woman and it never occurred
to her that she may be attracted to a woman. But when she met me, feelings
developed that she couldn’t explain.
I asked myself many times…why did she choose
me?!? And her answer was simply “I’m not with you because you’re a woman, it’s
because of who you are with me”. We would go out to dinner and walk in the park
time. And sometimes when we go out, I would point out certain women to her. She
then came straight out and told me point blank that “I am the first and the
last”. Meaning if we were to break up then and there, she would find another
guy.
She was not the least interested in any other
woman. These types of women are not lesbians, bisexuals or whatever name you
choose to give them. They are straight women. In the past, to my astonishment, I found
myself having more of those types of relationships. But being a lesbian, you’ll have it in the
back of your mind that your partner is going to leave you and go be with a man.
So with that thought alone, you’ll sabotage your own relationship with her.
Even though you know that the whole time together, she never cheated on you.
At this point, everything was on the edge. She’s
telling me that she never thought in a million years that I would do that to
her (Accusing her of leaving you for another). Now, I never thought about
hurting her, I was thinking of protecting myself from all the pain and
suffering for when she decided it was time for her to move on.
With my one looming insecurity of her leaving
me, we finally broke it off. She’s now happily married with a family of her
own. We’ve remained good friends and whenever I do get to see her, I would
always smile and say to her “that was the best decision we both made, to sever
ties as partners and just be friends.”
Whenever you see others, don’t compare your
life to theirs and don’t judge them. You have no idea what their journey has
been all about. Now that I’m much older and wiser, I would have made the same
decision as I did back then. Sometimes in life, you have to make sacrifices and
I did make the right one, because I can see how happy she is today. Time does
heal almost everything; you just have to give it time.
So… no more straight or bisexual women in my
life. That’s a no-no in my book, if I want to be truly happy. A real
relationship has trust, has faith, has tears, has hurt, has laughter and has
weird stupid and unnecessary arguments. My problem back then was not believing in what
I had with her because I was afraid of committing to a women who I thought didn’t
care enough about me because of her past. Don’t get me wrong! Some
relationships like I had, actually do work. But for me it’s just not going to
happen again, it’s a no-no. That’s why I don’t mix with certain women, who
claim to be lesbians.
M. Maduro
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